Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
