This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
