woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
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