if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
