I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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