saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
