how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need a beard to bite.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
