I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
