My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
