I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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