i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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