I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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