Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
