CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize