she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
