Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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