She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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