Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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