woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
