I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize