There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
