he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
