cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
