And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
