Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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