good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
