Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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