if you like me you must not know who I am
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
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