She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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