Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
