Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
