Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
