My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
