So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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