my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
