did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
