Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
