fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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