I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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