I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Success! We fucked roommates!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
