im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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