so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize