You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My feet surprised me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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