I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
