i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize