I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
