i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
