Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
