I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My pussy is not your playground.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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