y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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