Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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