love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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