why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
