Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
