I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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