If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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