Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
