Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
